As there's only one person who reads this, I feel safe in letting myself rant in it...or just talk. Read it, don't. Whatever.
It's less than a day into the New Year and I'm already completely miserable. I want to go back to Fredonia...I want just to not be home...I'm sick of feeling utterly useless in everything I do when I'm here. I'm pathetic. You guys don't need to remind me of it daily. I know I should just go away...run away. Maybe I'll leave Fredonia and try over? Some place new?
Who am I kidding? I can't leave...even if I really wanted to, I couldn't leave. No cash...no anything...no escape. I'm trapped in a hell that I created for myself.
Hell's Fire...I'm not even happy with what I'm studying in school. I don't even want to be in school. I want to write...paint...anything but be spoon-fed bullshit. I'd be happy takiin time off and just spending it with friends--writing, watching...enjoying life.
More I think about it...more I want to just give up with people. Affection and shit like that only hurts. You'd think I would have learned that by now. Hell...freshman year, i decided to come back home for love...see how that ended...last year I pined as was utterly stupid for it...this year was no different. Maybe I just like being treated like shit. Or maybe I'm just not worth it. I'm starting to think it's more of the latter...
I'm just not worth it. Not worth the hassle and the commitment. No one wants some one who's broken. Shattered means that no one has to worry...
Read this as me being pathetic...or read it as me giving up. I'm no good as a friend, I demand too much. It's safer in my own little world...this body hurts too much. Just let it die...honestly. The abyss would be a welcome, and I doubt anyone would try to pull me out.
No one wants to deal with a ragamuffin child.
